What I've Been Up To and What Nobody Really Talks About

College graduation was two months ago (go class of 2017!), and yet I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life or myself. Does anyb...

College graduation was two months ago (go class of 2017!), and yet I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life or myself. Does anybody, really?

On the day, I was super emotional. Mainly because I get swallowed into my sadness every time I feel a huge change coming on; goodbyes are definitely not for me. I was so ready and, at the same time, so NOT ready to leave behind such a large chapter of my life: school. Which is funny because I hated the work ethic from being in college and barely made a few friends from it.. school's just not for everyone! But I was so proud of my accomplishment and honestly, I was so afraid that this would be the best thing I'd have to offer everyone and myself. The scariest part about this adjustment was not knowing what's coming next.

I had a plan, yes. To find work relative to my studies and rake in the money. And also a very vague dream-- basically just to be successful through some creative outlet and get my feet on the ground financially. So I quit my job.. stupid, I know. I felt that it was the cherry on top of concluding my young era. It was my way of forcing myself to move on to something bigger, better, more "adult" if you will, because if I hadn't, well trust me I would have wound up there for the rest of my life. I had planned to take a week off before I started looking for a corporate job or even retail if need be. Well let me tell ya, it's been three weeks now and I'm still.. doing nothing. But don't get me wrong, I've kinda been loving it. All my life I've had responsibilities, so this is just peace on earth.

But I'm also kind of losing my mind. I feel lost and a little bit not good enough. When it comes to thinking about being in the "real world", I get spurts of confidence, but I'm really just hiding from it. I've applied to a few jobs that I can apply my degree to during my courageous hours, but I've yet to hear back. I've told myself I would teach my self graphic design, how to draw, find a passion, just do (a lot) more things. And I start them, but I never stay consistent (I'm a sagittarius, need I say more?). So I feel stuck. Do I keep chasing this adult dream that I may never get on the road to? The only thing fueling that is the fear that if I don't act now, what if one day, it's just too late? Do I have purpose?

The one thing that I think affected where I am is my personality and all the opportunities I didn't take. I could have done more internships. I could have talked to more peers and teachers at school. I could have chased more interviews, been open to more types of jobs, and took different classes. But I didn't because I was too afraid and used time as an excuse. Well, now I'm looking time in the eye and it's waiting for me to make the first move.

Wouldn't it be nice if the world just worked in our favor? I didn't, and don't, expect to have everything figured out, and if you're feeling the same, you shouldn't either. I guess I see everyday as a step, to wherever you want to be. Some days we'll be static and other days we'll run flights. In the end, it just matters that we kept moving forward.

So if you feel or have felt like I do, here's to your journey!
Title Image inspired by Olivia Chan

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